I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
