You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
