My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
