i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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