she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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