Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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