Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
