I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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