The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
