Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
