you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize