After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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