Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
