I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
