Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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