You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
