the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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