Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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