What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
