hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
