I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
