y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I checked into jail on foursquare
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
