1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
