it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
