It's like a parade of train wrecks.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
