this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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