My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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