My nipple is on Facebook.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
