meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
