Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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