There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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