you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
