when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
