Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
