Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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