Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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