Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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