Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
