Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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