also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
