youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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