hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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