if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
