He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
