a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize