the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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