What a fucking waste of an outfit
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
