i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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