I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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