clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
