I wish I could teleport
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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