Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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