So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
