then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
