ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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