He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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