Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Shame - the story of my life.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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