A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
